i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
