I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
