We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
