nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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