I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
