Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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