She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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