My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
