you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
