do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I party with great urgency now.
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