I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
