why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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