Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
