I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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