can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
