also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
