You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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