I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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