addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
