that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
