it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
