they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
