my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
so let's talk penis.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
