She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
