She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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