My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
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