hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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