I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
