This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
