he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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