I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
