got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
