just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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