we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
We named our party play list daddy issues
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
