If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
