nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Randomize
