Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
