I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
