the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Randomize
