Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
