great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Randomize
