I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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