We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Don't tell me you're on acid again
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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