On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
