true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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