I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Randomize
