Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
