You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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