imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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