my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
it hurts more in the daytime
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
