I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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