I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
