Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
