Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
