My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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