i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
