I must be too annoying 4 u.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
