I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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