As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
