That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
50% drunk capacity currently
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
