I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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